my being single is dangerous.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
