remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
