When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
