i think my mom watched the whole time
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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