Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
