I will die if light touches me.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
