I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
