I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
