Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
