I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
