No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
