apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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