if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I touched a dick in church today
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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