Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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