I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
