Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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