He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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