If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
