I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
