Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
