I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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