Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
