why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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