umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
