If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
