I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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