Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
