He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
