Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
