Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
