Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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