I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
