i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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