in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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