Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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