I have demons in me.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
