Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
