I faked an abortion last night.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
