I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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