I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
