Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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