something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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