Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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