She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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