Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
