Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
