So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
