I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
