Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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