I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
