Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
