Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
