Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
