That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it's like heaven, but drunker
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
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