Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
