You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
