My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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